Engineer Jokes, Sayings and Quotations

"If at first you don't succeed, use a bigger hammer", Unofficial motto of the Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers.

He that breaks a thing to find out how it works has left the path of wisdom and become an engineer.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.""
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's up with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?".

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with the Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with your BigMac?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a drainage ditch through a recreational area?"

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife of a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
The professions:
Ask a Mathematician what's 1 + 1, the answer will be 2
Ask a Physicist, the answer will be between 1.9 and 2.1
Ask a Mechanical Engineer, the answer will be 2 +/- 0.1
Ask a Structural Engineer, the answer will be 9 (to be on the safe side).
Ask a Computer Programmer, the answer will be 10
Ask an Accountant, they will ask you what you want it to be.

"I don't understand it! And I don't understand anyone who does understand it!".

"Why procrastinate today? When you can do it tomorrow!".

"Knowledge is a rare thing -- you gain by giving it away."

"Drive Carefully! It is not only cars that can be recalled by their maker!"

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

The most expensive component is the one that breaks.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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>Last modified 5/4/2003